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dollification: the process of evolving, mentally and physically, into a "living doll."
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 Post subject: Dealing With A Partner's Past?
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 8:21 am 
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I love my partner more than anything in the world, but he had an incredibly traumatic childhood (abuse both physical and sexual, depression, illness, neglect, death of loved ones at a very young age) and he's not very communicative about it, I know most of what I do from speaking with his mom, and piecing together what he's said.

Obviously, I'm fearful of bringing up bad memories with play, and I sometimes worry he's just to proud to use the safety word, even when he appears to be enjoying it. As a doll owner, I see it as my first responsibility to take care of my doll, and I'm fiercely protective, but how do you protect someone from their own inner demons? Obviously he has some trust, self esteem, and abandonment issues as well

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 Post subject: Re: Dealing With A Partner's Past?
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 9:56 am 
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ClockworkDemon wrote:
but how do you protect someone from their own inner demons?


The short answer is, you can't. Having said that, it can be possible to explore such issues within play, with cathartic and restorative results. Needless to say, it needs to be done very, very carefully, and it can't be done unilaterally, but only with open and explicit communication between the parties. It's a controversial subject within bdsm, unsurprisingly, and deciding to deliberately enter those dark corners of the soul is definitely not something to be taken lightly. If your partner is reticent about his past, then he's probably not ready for that, and may never be.

As far as being fearful of inadvertently bringing back bad memories in the course of play, this is something where the risk can never be reduced to zero, so it's a matter of being prepared to deal with it appropriately if and when the situation arises. With knowledge of your partner, and empathy, there's no reason to be scared, because you will find the appropriate response. Many people have triggers, which they may not even be aware of themselves until they are tripped. This is no cause for blame and recrimination, but an opportunity for further learning and development of the relationship.

Your protectiveness and awareness are excellent starting points, which should give you confidence that you will be able to deal with a difficult situation should it arise.

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 Post subject: Re: Dealing With A Partner's Past?
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 11:11 am 
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Thank you, I suppose it's not exactly just fear, I love him very much, and the idea of seeing him in pain (the nonsexual nonenjoyable kind) breaks my heart, but we both enjoy play, so I suppose I'll just watch out for it.

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 Post subject: Re: Dealing With A Partner's Past?
PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 1:58 am 
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Just my two cents:
I am familiar with what you may be experiencing, and if you don't already, you can look into hypnosis. What he may not be ready to tell you himself, he may feel okay with revealing it to you subconsciously. This might help him to trust you more and open up to you with his pain. If this is not an option for you, just be aware that he may have a bad reaction at some point and try to stay as calm as you can if it happens. At one point I was giving my sub some slaps, in the face, and that triggered something and he hit me back. We stopped immediately, but this is the kind of thing I hadn't expected. Communication really is key, and sometimes it can be difficult to read people, especially in the middle of a scene. Good luck, you seem like you care for him a great deal. :D


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